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Steroids on the Brain

It was either "Steroids on the Brain" or "That's Using Your Head," and you don't want that.

Jose Canseco is auctioning off a day of fun…with himself. No s^&#+. Under house arrest for a nightclub brawl, Canseco needs the dough, and the company.

Bids on his website start at $2500, which gets you a ride from the airport and a snack, but not lodging. We think he has first aid around, but pack your own, in case there's a fight.

JoseCanseco.com pitched it like this: "Spend the afternoon with Jose at his house in South Florida. Ideas for activities: Private power-hitting instruction, private martial arts instruction, work out with Jose, and cook out by the pool."

No word on whether there's a session for practicing bouncing a baseball off your head into the bleachers, or a careful demonstration on preparing steroid cocktails near an open flame.

The winner can bring a friend, under the age of 18, for no extra charge, but only if she's cute.

"Cashiers check or money orders only," which is good, because Canseco might have a future date with the IRS, which might lead to more house arrest, extended fun by the pool, followed by a free ride to the airport with your teenager…

Chalk one up for Nuke LaLoosh.

For a guy like Tim Robbins, who prefers a war of words over the real thing, this "Bull Durham" battle with the Hall of Fame is a serious win, coalition or no. Whether it means regime change in Cooperstown remains to be seen, but for now Robbins is the victor. And to the victor goes the, uh, something.

Hall President Dale Petroskey balked in the winning run. Susan Sarandon skipped home.

Begin parenthetical: BaseballSavvy.com is politically gray. We don't take sides. Sure, Dodgers over Giants, but that's religion, not politics. And yes, we're against a D.C. expansion, but that's more because we're sick of the beltway as an option than anything else.

And yeah, we did that "Campaign 2000" thing, but were evenhanded. We even compared Al Gore to Hymie the Robot. End Parenthetical.

Dale Petroskey was a press guy for President Reagan, no small thing for even the finest of resumes, but Tim Robbins is the better p.r. man, who recorded the memorable sound bite: "Long live democracy, free speech and the '69 Mets - all improbable, glorious miracles that I have always believed in."

By the way, "Bull Durham" is Ron Shelton's weakest sports movie, surpassed by "Blue Chips," "Cobb," "Tin Cup" and "White Men Can't Jump."

A lame attempt to make a statement and a whiff by Roger Kahn. All he did by canceling his Cooperstown appearance was pile on. Kahn is becoming more and more of a blowhard as the years pass, overreaching to regain a spotlight long since faded…

Rick Ankiel will win a Cy Young Award before Phil Mickelson wins a major...

Let's leave Adrian Beltre alone, shall we. Just check the rosters to see how few alternatives there are at third base. Send him down if you have to, but please continue to be patient.

It's almost impossible to single out one guy on a team like the Dodgers anyway. The whole thing is just a total mess. If the season continues like it is now, look for Jim Tracy to fired no later than June…

Memo to Dan Evans: Release Andy Ashby and recall Joe Thurston…

After a slow start, it's nice to see that Mike Piazza and Mo Vaughn are finally hitting Vaughn's weight…

There's still time to invest in BaseballSavvy.com before it's through the roof. Shoot, the BS merchandising is worth nearly major league minimum all by itself, especially since Bill Smith (get it, BS?) donned one of our caps on the KTLA Morning News. Now if only we can get Britney Spears. Anyway, investment inquires are more than welcome...

Remember, glove conquers all....

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