Dodgers Snake bit by Diamondbacks - Yeah, We Get It

Aprill 28, 2005

Yeah, yeah, a diamondback is a snake. A team actually named after the Diamondback reptile swept a baseball series. The losing team was snake bit. OK, we get it.

Memo to the Associated Press, ESPN.com, CNNSI.com, all Phoenix and Los Angeles newspapers, and to every last headline writer on the face of the earth: you can stop already.

Just because you have to go all the back to, oh I don’t know, 2003, to find the last time Arizona won three games in a row doesn’t give you free reign to trot out tired double entendres involving Diamondbacks and anything related to snakes. Enough said. We get it. We really do. Use a pun, go to jail.

And yes, hold the phone. We get that the Dodgers won a bunch of games and were the mega-surprise of the season and now they’ve lost a bunch and are as hideous as everyone predicted. Both wrong. It’s a long season. Not a single prognosticator knows squat about what the future holds. Not a one.

Of course, Hee Seop Choi’s getting four hits in a game doesn’t tell us a thing about needs of the many, either. Either he’s a stud or he sucks. Decide, prognosticators. I say Choi will be traded or playing in Las Vegas by June 1, the latest…

BTW, if you get this reference, close your eyes, conjure the image, and consider yourself cooler than the next guy: “Snakebite! Snakebite!! I’ve been bitten by a snake!!!”

These Things Happen : Yep, the Dodgers gave away 56,000 fleece blankets celebrating the team’s counterfeit World Series Championships of 1962 and 1966 instead of the actual ones which occurred in 1963 and 1965. No complaints from this source. Not here. We printed a bleep load of t-shirts with the name “BasballSavvy.com” highlighted. BasballSavvy.com, mind you. Not 56,000, but a bleep load. Thankfully, eBay is clutch. The shirts are selling like hotcake…

With apologies to Groucho Marx, Curt Schilling must’ve been vaccinated with a phonograph needle. The guy just will not shut up. There’s not a person, place or thing that Schilling won’t comment on, ever, and he simply will not go to sleep at night until he’s made some public pronouncement in at least one major city. Usually two…

Groucho was responsible for a million great lines, of course, most of which you know by heart. Here are a couple treats for you that you might not:

“I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book....The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right...”

“I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8….to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30…”

While they’re no Groucho, Rotoworld.com comes up with a good line now and then: Like, “Jon Garland pitched his second career shutout tonight against the A's. He gave up four hits - a double and three singles. By start, Garland has pitched six, seven, eight and nine innings and allowed three, two, one and zero runs. It's going to be hard for him to progress further, as we can't imagine any team except for maybe the Royals scoring negative runs in a game.”

Thanks also to Rotoworld for turning us onto to someone for our “Best Baseball Names of 2005” list. He’s St. Lucie Mets’ Lastings Milledge, and he’s currently disabled with a sprained wrist, if you must know…

Craigslist Ad Headline : “I will trade Final Concert Cher for good Dodgers Tickets.” No bleep. The advertiser goes on to say “I am not ashamed to admit I like baseball more than Cher.” No word on whether or not he’s ashamed to admit he actually bought Cher tickets in the first place…

Statue for Sandy : The Koufax in bronze campaign continues, so please scroll down to the photo below and vote yes on 32…

Remember, glove conquers all…