The Best Interests of Baseball

March 18, 2005

Here’s a complete list of substances which ought to be allowed in major league baseball clubhouses: Caffeine, MSG, Tostitos Scoops (no double dipping), Pepto-Bismol, baby aspirin (if the shoe fits) and Vitalis. Preparation H for George Brett at Oldtimer’s games. Regular flavor David’s sunflower seeds, and on rare occasion, ranch, but not barbeque…

No amphetamines, no steroids, no Andro, no human growth hormones or masking agents of any kind…

No Congressional hearings about performance enhancing drugs without at least a mention of Barry Bonds…

No canned anthems. No “YMCA.” No wave…

No more Hall of Fame votes for the Veteran’s Committee. Instead, the ballot goes to worthy Internet baseball writers who work for peanuts, sometimes Cracker Jack, and serve for at least five years…

Mark Fidrych may address a baseball, Turk Wendell may not…

No major league baseball in Canada. No major league baseball in Colorado. Only one major league team in Los Angeles…

Anaheim owner required to wear scarlet letter “A” on his chest for a year. And we’re not talking adultery…

Anaheim owner required to hire managers and coaches not famous for being Dodgers…

Anaheim owner required to have a team name that’s not a prepositional phrase…

Grilled Dodger dogs only…

No managerial jobs for Larry Bowa until Chris Chambliss gets one, loses one, waits ten years and then gets another…

Butterflies and autographs are free…

All baseball commissioners are required to wear suits purchased outside of Wisconsin after the year 1987, with normal haircuts at all times, and stand up straight, for God’s sake!

No $10 million contracts or posh New York offices for baseball commissioners. I know someone who’ll work for major league minimum out of an Oxnard Blvd. living room…

At least one World Series day game per year…

All-Star Game decides one thing and one thing only - the All-Star Game…

Regular enforcement of an actual strike zone…

No camera shots close enough to measure the curl of a ball player’s eyelash…

No cheating in baseball, no crying in baseball, no skinny umpires in National League baseball, no tie games in baseball, no fake grass in baseball, no indoor baseball…

RBIs always referred to as “RBIs,” even though it’s grammatically incorrect…

A task force to find a few more home runs for Henry Aaron in the record books…

Last chance for baseball in Washington, D.C….

The pitcher bats ninth, even in St. Louis…

No exploding of or eating of baseballs as soup in Chicago, or in other major cities, please. In Anaheim, fine…

Only celebrities completely devoid of singing talent who are actually Cubs fans may use a microphone during the seventh inning at Wrigley Field…

In the best interests of baseball, Alex Rodriguez is sent back to Seattle, Adrian Beltre, Paul Lo Duca, Steve Finley and Alex Cora back to Los Angeles, Nomar Garciaparra and Pedro Martinez to Boston, Barry Bonds to Pittsburgh, and Carlos Beltran all the way back to Kansas City to work as an intern. Randy Johnson can stay in New York…

Remember, glove conquers all….