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Off Base
The Season Has Been Shot. Round up the
Usual Suspects

If I don’t get this off my chest I’ll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life. Your life.

I know you hate exclamation points. I hate exclamation points. All right-thinking men hate exclamation points. Indulge me just this once, OK? I’m going to use a bleep load of exclamation points, just this once. I’m bleeping bleeped off!!!

First of all, again with the bunt!!?? Again with the bunt!!!

It’s a lame call half the time you use it, but more importantly, your bleeping players can’t bunt!!! They can’t bunt!!! Figure it out before you put them up there, or bleeping teach them how to bunt!!! “The Dodgers Way to Play Baseball,” remember?!! “The Dodgers Way to Play Baseball,” remember?!!! Pick up a bleeping copy!!!

Next, don’t give me that BS about injuries. Injuries don’t just come out of thin air. They just don’t. Injuries come from bad planning, bad communication and bad baseball leadership.

We rounded up the suspects. Took about thirty seconds.

Suspect number one, the “brains” of the operation. Paul DePodesta went into the season with three outfielders with a history of injuries, including one who might need arm surgery at any moment and had all of four months of success in the big leagues, one who’d played his first full season in his walk year, and a third with personal demons in addition to his problems staying in the lineup for a full season.

It’s not bad luck, it’s bad management. To be unprepared is to be just plain negligent. And that’s just the outfield. Third base is so bleeped up it makes first base look like second base. If you can decipher that sentence, you're qualified to be general manager.

And Eric Gagne?! Eric Gagne??!! Please!!!

The team couldn’t have handled their greatest treasure any worse if they sat down and designed a plan. Of course, since they don’t plan, I guess it’s a moot point. Genuine blame for Gagne’s downfall goes all the way around, from the g.m. to the m, to the doctors, on down. Lame, lame, lame, lame, lame!!! Retarded!!!! Only Kevin Kennedy is exempt.

You people have simply got to communicate. It’s not acceptable for Jim Tracy to just say, “well, he said he was OK, so I put him out there,” or something to that affect. Unacceptable, pal. Always disastrous for your club.

Tracy burns out his players, period. He just has no clue when to give a guy a day off before the man gets tired, hurt, goes into a slump, or any combination of the three. Izturis is the perfect example. Green and Lo Duca from previous years are too.

How Green could go four months with a shoulder hanging by a thread and his manager being out of the loop the whole time is just mind boggling. And with this manager it’s a trend.

When Tracy’s teams spirals down, they really spiral, and he never has the answers. Excuses, yes, answers, no. Never. This time it ought to get him fired. And today.

Sure, you can always fire another vice president, but it’s easier to fire the manager. So fire the manager. You can have Orel Hershiser under contract in 24 hours, Mickey Hatcher in 48, if you agree to change the girlie-man “ANA” on the scoreboard to “L.A.” It’s worth it.

And btw, Tracy's first mention of the wild card was recorded on June 18th this year. June 18th.

Paul DePodesta’s tar and feathering can wait till winter. It’ll keep him warm while he looks for work. This “patience” he’s been preaching? Inside sources say it’s not patience that’s being practiced, it’s indecisiveness. That’s why reinforcements haven’t been brought in.

Now, can we finally finally finally put this DePodesta’s “always the smartest guy in room” crap to rest, please!!?? Please!!!??? I’m way smarter than this guy. Smarter, more decisive, better looking, and have a much better sense of humor. And my kids will go farther.

Let’s set up the grudge match right now. Me and DePo. “Stratego,” “Risk,” chess, you name it. “Careers” would be an apt choice. Mano-a-mano. Winner brings in a real major league third baseman, an outfielder who can hit, field and maybe even bunt, at least one stud reliever, and a professional bench man or two. Loser leaves the profession. Deal?

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Remember, glove conquers all….


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