December 29, 2005

A: Hickory Dickory Dock.
Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?

So, it’s not poetry. The “Year in Reviews” have been done to death, and with Nick Colletti nursing repetitive stress syndrome from dialing the cell, and everyone who is anyone taking the rest of 2005 off, the best I could come up with was a lame reference to Johnny Carson, a.k.a. Carnac the Magnificent.

So, Ed McMahon:”Hickory Dickory Dock.”

Johnny: “Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?”

Ed: "I hold in my hand...the last envelope." Loud applause.

Johnny: “May a nearsighted sand flea suck syrup off your short stack.”

Now, with that said, I hold in my hand the last Off Base column of 2005!! Loud applause.

I know, it’s weak. What can I say? The main squeeze and I are headed down to Diego for a little R and R in like, an hour, and I’m distracted by the prospect of legitimate fish tacos and a little fun in the sun (and out of it, if you know what I mean). Squeeze was hoping to visit a National League city, for a change, but settled for San Diego. She's a trooper, that squeeze of mine…

With President Bush handing Cuba a reverse-boycott, and 86ing the island team from the World Baseball Classic, seems like as good a time as any to dredge up the old “Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List” on Cuban baseball. It may be a six-year old bit, but it’s still pretty damn funny.

Top Ten Fidel Castro Baseball Jeers

10. “Get a raft!”

9. “My team may defect – but your team has defects!”

8. “Our players could beat you even if losing didn’t mean certain death.”

7. “Years of indoor plumbing have made you Americans soft and weak.”

6. “Castro will whip your astro.”

5. “The ump needs glasses…inform him that it’s a three-year wait.”

4. “No batter, no batter, and no bat since Russia stopped sending aid.”

3. “I’m not paying you $6 a year to strike out.”

2. “You call that catching? I catch more in my beard while I’m eating.”

1. “You throw like a capitalist girl.”

Trivia: Who holds the Dodgers franchise record for intentional walks received in a career? For a gold star on your report card, also name the single season record holder…

Intelligent Design: Dig this explanation about the case, from Kenneth R. Miller, Boston Red Sox fan and biology professor at Brown University in Providence, Rhode Island.

Regarding the Sox coming from 0-3 to beat the Yanks in the 2004 ALCS, a fan might have concluded that "God was tired of George Steinbrenner and wanted to see the Red Sox win…In my part of the country, you'd be surprised how many people think that's a perfectly reasonable explanation for what happened last year. And you know what? It might be true. But it certainly is not science; and it's certainly not something we can test.”

Best Baseball Names of 2005 Team: Rocco Baldelli (TB, OF), Coco Crisp (CLE, OF), Mike Coolbaugh (KC, 3B), Nook Logan (DET, OF), Prentice Redman (StL, OF), Todd Self (NYM, OF), Terrmel Sledge (TEX, OF), Ryan Spilborghs ( COL, OF), Huston Street (OAK, RP), Yorvit Torrealba (SEA, C).

And last but not least, the grand exhaulted mystic ruler leader of the squad, Wilson Betemit, third baseman of the Atlanta Braves. Wilson Betemit, one of the all-time great baseball names. And a truism. Wilson is a better mitt. The A-2000 is an especially fine model…

BTW, am I the only guy seeing baseball in the names of new Dodgers marketing veep, Tagg Romney, and his pop, Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney?

Jackass of the Week, Final Entry: Jeff Reardon. Like, duh…

Most In-The-News for No Apparent Reason Player of the Year: Jody Gerut…

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Talkback: If you like what you see here, please tell a friend. If you don’t like what you see here, tell two friends. Or rip us a new one. Comments.

Trivia Answer: Longtime Los Angeles shortstop Bill Russell holds the lifetime record for intentional walks by a Dodger, L.A. and Brooklyn, with 106. Yep, bleeping Bill Russell. Duke Snider holds the single season high of 26, with Russell right behind him at 25…

Statue for Sandy: The Koufax in bronze campaign continues, so please scroll back to the upper right panel of this page and vote yes on 32. 2006 is the year…

Remember, glove conquers all….