August 11, 2005

Guess what came in the mail today. Email actually. Unsolicited email, actually. Are you ready? Here’s the subject heading: “Dodger Season Ticket Deposits and Dugout Club Seats."

Sender’s address, InsideSales@LADodgers.com. I bleep you not. Renewal forms going out earlier than ever this year. Strike while the iron’s hot.

You wanna know what I said? You wanna know what I said? I’ll tell you what I said. Oh, I’ll tell you what I said.:

“Earth to Dodgers marketing geniuses, Earth to Dodgers marketing geniuses. HHeelloo!!! Are you completely out of your mind??!! Are you only partially out of your mind or are you completely out of your mind??!! There’s a difference, so I might cut you some slack if you tell me you’re only partially out of your mind. Bite me now??!! OK??!!! Bite me right bleeping now!! Would you get a freaking clue, please??!!

You’re 13 games below .500, and sinking like a Derek Lowe sinker sinks in his dreams when he’s not otherwise occupied. Your closer achieves nightly heights of lameness, comparable only to the full complement of arsonists, thugs and accountants around him. And, as if that’s not enough, your brand spanking new left fielder’s .215 average is forty points better than the last guy!!!

The product is absolutely unwatchable!!! The entire organization is spiraling out of control, faster than a Jim Tracy bunt sign in the bottom of the ninth, with two on, nobody out, in a tie game, with the number three man at the plate!!!! And you want my money for next year??!!

Dumb question, I know. Sure you do. Re-signing Jose Valentin is gonna cost a pretty penny, and God knows, Jason Grabowski won’t come cheap. Seven, eight figures, easy.

Fine, but who’s doing the business communicating over there? Drew McCourt? Oh, that explains it. Never mind. But really, in that unsolicited solicitation you trotted out every sales cliché known to man but the obligatory “MUST ACT NOW!”

I counted seven exclamation points, a series of italics, bold italics and a borderline pathological use of upper case letters in the middle of sentences for no apparent reason. There was only one typo, I’ll give you that, but c’mon, do you really think I’m going to shell out after phrases like these:

“This is a fantastic opportunity to Get the Best Possible Seats for Next Season.”

“Receive Playoff Priority.”

“Be invited down to the stadium to physically pick out your seats.”

Oohh, I get to physically pick out my seats? I get to pick them out physically? Shoot, I was kinda hoping 2006 would be the year I’d pick my seats out telepathically or something. Arrange that and I’m down for another 81 games, no matter how retarded the manager and general manager are next year.

Oh, and thanks for including that “Benefits to Having Season Dodger Season Tickets” section. I had a blank sheet of paper otherwise. It sure helps to know I can “entertain a potential new client at a game.” Yeah right, because there’s nothing I like better than pissing new business straight to hell.

And thanks for pointing out that I can “Gain quality family time at Dodger Stadium.” Gotta love that “quality family time at Dodger Stadium.” Yep, and send those teenagers of mine right over the edge, into utter darkness and despair.

So, marketing brain surgeons over at 1000 Elysian Park Avenue, you want to know what I think of your record-early solicitations for my hard earned, uh, my money? Do you want to know what I think? I’ll tell you what I think. Oh, I’ll tell you what I think.

Are you out of your freaking mind???!!! Have you lost all sense of reality???!!! Do you miss Pedro Guerrero at third base??!! Do you have even a shred of decency??!! Do you really think Hee-Seop Choi is the answer at first??!! Steamed Dodger Dogs??!! Jose Cruz, Jr??!! What, you couldn’t get Jason Phillips, Jr??!! Have you no shame whatsoever???!!!

Can you get a freaking clue, please??!!!

Pleassseeeee!!!!!!!!!!