Just Stop Knee Jerking Around

Subtitle: Dear Baseball, If You Must Make Changes, Please Steer Clear of the Plaschke Doctrine.

November 1, 2006

Bill Plaschke’s an easy target, and since his plan to fix baseball isn’t entirely original, maybe we shouldn’t just pick on him. Maybe we shouldn't, but we will.

Plaschke, like many sports columnists, needs to be at least somewhat versed in all sports to do his job as well as he does. Problem is, again, like many columnists and some radio guys (Lee Hamilton for one), being well-versed in sports generally leaves poor Bill a dull boy, somewhat lacking in the baseball department, which as we all know is the most important department there is.

Take this: “Poor misguided baseball, once the curators of this country's most important October holiday, now spends the week dumping eggs on windshields and dropping firecrackers in jack-o'-lanterns.” And this: “The World Series no longer works.”

Nice prose, as far as prose goes, but “once…the country’s most important October holiday”?! Please.

The World Series is the country’s most important holiday, period; the words “World” and “Series,” when both appropriately capitalized and placed side by side, forming two of the most beautiful words in the English language. They just plain go together always, like “apple” and “pie,” like “hits” and “runs,” like “error” and “on the pitcher.”

In the world according to Plaschke, a “neutral site works for three of the top four championships, why not in baseball? If the Super Bowl can party in one spot for one week, why can't baseball?”

Forget the retardedness of the neutral site “idea” for a second. The Super Bowl is a contrived event, programmed right down to the 24th hour of the 14th day between contests, invariably less exciting than the previous round of play, witnessed in person by VIPs instead of actual fans, and celebrated as “super” mostly because a corporation says it’s so, not because it really is. The Super Bowl is not a show to copycat, and certainly not because of ratings; it’s one to be superior to.

The World Series works just fine, thank you very much. It works when one team wins that probably shouldn’t be there, and when another team fails to show up all together. It works because whatever the ratings are, they’re good enough.

Comparing baseball’s ratings with baseball’s ratings is a lame exercise. The ratings are fine. The weather is good enough. The game times could be better, but we’ll live. If Plaschke can glue "scratchy portable radios sneaked into classrooms" to his ear when he’s supposed to be paying attention to the teacher, learning to write that incredible prose of his, his kids can stay up late to watch the Fall Classic one week out of the school year. Priorities, please.

Baseball needs deliberation, not Bill Plashche’s knee jerk reaction to five ball games. Baseball’s done the knee jerk thing enough already, with granting home field to the American League in perpetuity being just one example, and that only because two managers lost track of outs for ten minutes during an exhibition.

Sure, baseball would be better served with a champion sporting more than 83 regular season wins, but let’s not throw the baby-faced Series MVP out with the bath water. Plashcke’s right about lengthening the division series to a best-of seven dealy. That’ll probably work. It better, or this time next year, we’ll be reading about a 30-team seeding formula, with brackets, guacamole parties, a neutral domed site (near Detroit, no doubt), with 5000 real fans representing the actual participants’ cities, and a ball game’s enjoyment level being thoroughly eclipsed by the commercials...

Tony La Russa, Hall of Famer: As much as we’ve enjoyed making fun of Tony La Russa all these years, we have Bill Plashcke for that now. So Tony, old boy, you are hereby off the hook for losing three World Series to seriously underdog clubs, and you will no longer be remembered primarily for the pitcher batting eighth. Two World Championships gets you into Cooperstown. La Russa, like Sparky before him, with rings in two leagues, is HOF-worthy. It's as simple as that. La Russa's in…

Talkback: Your comments are always encouraged…

Glove Talk: If Greg Maddux wins a Gold Glove Award for his fielding excellence in 2006, it’ll be his 16th, tying Jim Kaat for the most by a pitcher. Kaat won 14 straight as an American Leaguer, from 1962 to 1975, plus two more after changing leagues in 1976. If not for Mike Hampton’s snagging that one trophy in 2003, Maddux would be looking at 17 in a row now; one better than Brooks Robinson....

Memo to All General Managers: Aramis Ramirez is already overpaid. A second-half salary drive, with his club hopelessly out of contention, like every team he’s played on during his career, is not a harbinger for the GMs. Spend your money elsewhere…

Prediction: Minority managerial candidates will be interviewed and passed over in favor of both retread and first-time managers in several cities, but at least the “never managed before” excuse won’t be trotted out this time around…

FYI: Former Red Sox reliever Rich Garces has announced plans for a comeback, and will be available for hire come Spring Training. If for no other reason than our getting to hear the nickname, “ Señor Snack,” bandied about again, we think it’s great…

Curious Headline: From the Manila Standard Today: “Fernando Hounds Chronic Dodgers.” Upon closer inspection, it turns out the story is about “the Metro Manila Development Authority…weeding out bus drivers who ignore traffic citations,” behind the fearless leadership of MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando…

Basketball Savvy: Two things. First, no Los Angelino worth his salted Tito’s tortillas gives a bleep about the Clippers. No real Los Angelino, anyway. And sorry, but I just can’t get on the Red Auerbach-was-a-god bandwagon. I mean, it’s not like I’m celebrating the death of an old basketball coach, but c’mon, Auerbach went out of his way not to be liked in L.A., and I say that with his passing, the least we can do is oblige the man…

Pitchers and catchers and Justin Verlander report February 15…

Statue for Sandy: The Koufax in bronze campaign continues. It’s not Plashcke’s idea, but it continues. Please Vote “Yes on 32.” And tell a friend…

Remember, glove conquers all….

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