Off Base
The Oldest Joke in the Book Made Current

April 29, 2010, 1:45 p.m. Take Henny Youngmann's book, please.

Take Henny Youngmann's book, "Take My Wife, Please: Henny Youngman's Giant Book of Jokes," that is.

Simply exchange Dodgers for Giant in the title and you've got something fresh. Next – open book, insert Dodgers into pretty much any of 10,000 jokes, then laugh. Or cry. Whichever applies.

Best example: "Take my Dodgers, please."

Second best example: "It hurts when I watch the Dodgers." "Don't watch the Dodgers."

This is incredibly obvious stuff, but so far this season, and especially during the last ten days, it's been so painful to watch this team attempt to play baseball, I've actually taken to steps heretofore not even considered. Yes, I've actually sought medical advice.

My physician, a loyal Dodger fan, is admittedly stumped. There's always hysterical blindness, he says, but that would take an act of God apparently, and while a medically-induced coma might see me through the worst of it, who's to say things'll be much better when they zap me out of it? Or intubate me, or de-intubate me, or whatever it is they do on those medical shows.

I'm not going to self-medicate because those days are long gone, but for distractionary purposes, the doctor says I can always put on an album and spare myself the angst created by Eric Collins' describing every last fly ball as a "popup." Of course, in that scenario the picture is still there.

A blindfold would work, but then I'm just listening to a record. Come to think of it, that just might be the best course of action for the foreseeable future.

OK, before a much needed segue out of this topic, here are a few of Mr. Youngmann's most apt funnies, with Dodgers inserted for your reading pleasure. Or horror:

A car hits a Dodger. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living."

A Jewish woman had two Dodgers. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Why don't Dodger fans drink? It interferes with their suffering.

When I read about the evils of the Dodgers, I gave up reading.

A Dodger fan was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The Dodger fan says "Okay, let's get started."

Why do Dodger divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Talkback: Your comments are always encouraged…

Ned Being Misguided: I'm sure Ned Colletti knows by now what is universally considered to be the case. He opened his mouth and dribble came out. Like many a politician before him, Colletti's trying to defend himself only made matters worse.

The expression, "when you're in a hole, stop digging" comes to mind, and my guess is, Colletti's tossed that shovel into the trash already. An old pr guy, he's got to know he messed up. Whether he atones by looking in the mirror, as Dave Stewart suggests, or by actually doing something about it, is anyone's guess.

But every day he doesn't sign a free agent pitcher, or trade for one, or promote the right one from the minor leagues, Colletti is continuing to make mistakes that are far worse than anything he can do with a microphone in front of him.

And by the way, the Dodgers ought to have a shortstop here in time for tonight's game. Whether Rafael Furcal is being DL'd or not, they need a shortstop in the lineup starting now.

If it's up to me, Blake DeWitt goes down and Dee Gordon makes his major league debut in blue immediately. More than likely, if Colletti does anything at all, he'll promote Chin-lung Hu or Nick Green. But let's keep a good thought…

On the Bright Side: Hazy more than bright, I know, but the Dodgers have been five games under .500 before and came out of it A-OK. They started 12-17 and were 47-55 as late as July 26, 2006, but still managed an 88-74 record and a Wild Card.

And as I mentioned the other day, the Dodgers also found themselves at 65-70 on August 30, 2008 – the day before I married the Main Squeeze – and came back to win the division, at 84-78…

Media Savvy: Nice photo essay on Philippe's by my boys at

Statue for Sandy: The Koufax in bronze campaign continues. Please Vote “Yes on 32.” And tell a friend…

Remember, glove conquers all….

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