Memo to Brad Penny

August 25, 2006

ey Brad, big fella. What do ya say we turn the other cheek, huh?

Yeah, I know; you’ll need to fire up the crane first. That’s OK, I’ll hold.

Now, let’s review, shall we. A top-of-the-rotation starter needs to do what, now? Fill in the blank.

Right. He’s got to keep his head in the game at all times. The umpire might be mean, or seem to be picking on you personally; blind even; but you can’t get ejected in the middle of a pennant race. No matter what.

Got a problem with a tiny strike zone? Let the manager handle it. And while you might think getting booted from a game you’ve already ruined by allowing six runs in ten seconds is A-OK, it’s not.

Thinking about another blowup on national television, are you? Think again, pal. No yelling at the skipper for yanking your ample butt from the mound when it damn well needs yanking. No barking at teammates. No jumping on couches, no chastising women with post partum depression, and absolutely no Scientology. The last thing this town needs is another public meltdown by one of its stars. Thanks for the offer, but no.

Heed our advice, please. One false move and you’re liable to get crated off to Oakland, in exchange for Barry Zito and next year’s Rookie of the Year. Oh, and thank your lucky stars Grady Little is your manager, and not John Gibbons…

Memo to John Gibbons: Despite your best thinking, one Larry Bowa is more than enough, thank you very much. The total number of fights you’ve started with your own players since the All-Star break has finally matched your career RBI total. There’s no need to go for the trifecta…

Linda Ronstadt: According to the must-have "Dickson Baseball Dictionary," Linda is national pastime-worthy:

"Linda Ronstadt (n). Term first spotted and described by Dave Scheiber in the St. Petersberg Times for March 5, 1987: 'Good fastballs enjoy an updated alias as well. They're called a Linda Ronstadt. No, the sultry singer was never known for her pitching prowess, but she did record the tune Blue Bayou. And baseball linguists soon turned that into Blew by you--as in what a sizzling fastball did.'"

Media Savvy: Enrique Rojas of ESPNdeportes.com thinks the Hall of Fame should enshrine Felipe Alou for his collective contributions to baseball. Rojas makes a good argument. Wrong, but a good argument.

Cooperstown doesn’t really do the lifetime achievement award thing, but if it did, Joe Torre is the man. Alou was a fine player and a good manager, who appeared in the postseason three times in his combined roles, all losses.

In almost the identical number of game played, Alou had 2101 hits, as compared to 2342 for Torre; 206 homers to Torre’s 252; 852 RBIs to 1185; and a .286 lifetime average, within shouting distance of Torre’s .297. Alou earned All-Star honors three times, which is nothing to sneeze at, until you look at Torre’s nine. Plus there was this little thing called the National League Most Valuable Player Award, which Torre ran away with in 1971.

While Alou’s Expos might have accomplished something had there been a postseason in 1994, Torre’s record includes six pennants and four World Championships in five years, which by the way, is twice as many as can be boasted by already-enshrined Tommy Lasorda.

The Hall saw fit to include Lasorda the year after his retirement. Sparky Anderson, with his three rings in two leagues, waited the full five. Meanwhile, Alou’s still out there dreaming of another chance to lose in the division series.

Like I always say about Pete Rose; you want old Pete in the Hall? Fine, let’s put Joe Jackson on the ballot first, see how that goes, wait 75 years, and then give Pete a chance. Maybe the permanent ban is too harsh. 75 years is more like it…

Talkback: Your comments are always encouraged…

Any ideas for what to do with the KZLA preset in the car? We’re taking all suggestions. And please hurry…

Statue for Sandy: The Koufax in bronze campaign continues. Please Vote “Yes on 32.” And tell a friend. More about statue...

Remember, glove conquers all....

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