Off Base
About Last Night

June 28, 2010, 3:25 p.m. With Joe Torre clearly distracted by the presence of Demi Moore at last night's game, the Dodgers lost a crusher to the New York Yankees.

The skipper can credit his old club all he likes for the comeback victory, but we all know what this was really about. Torre blew the game. Period, end of discussion.

So Demi's in the boxes with Ashton Kutcher (who, by the way, is by far the cuter of the two at the moment) and jealous Torre's in the dugout devising strategies to ruin the couple's night out. Along with everyone else's.

I was in attendance with a friend, and while it wasn't in the plan – and I'm married, mind you – I'm quite sure the post-game agenda was not going to include sex on any kind. Not first base, not second; trust me, I wasn't scoring. Not after the shared experienced that was that ninth inning.

But let's put my feelings aside, and concentrate on Demi and Ashton. I had the binoculars on them during the ninth – fine, I focused on Kutcher primarily, if you must know, and it wasn't just the ninth – and I read lips, remember.

Also remember that Ashton is from Iowa and a devout Cubs fan, but even through those objective (and dreamy) eyes, Kutcher was as horrified as the next guy.

I'm paraphrasing (slightly), and with exclamation points extracted to save space, here are the highlights of the conversation:

Ashton: OK, here we go. Broxton's going to blow this one.

Demi: Relax dear. He's got a four run lead.

Ashton: I don't know. He's due for one of those games.

Demi: Chill. He'll get out of it.

Ashton: Don't tell me to chill. I know JB, and he does this.

Demi: Mostly on the road. You recall Philly last year?

Ashton: Yes, and the Phils here the year before.

Demi: And Petco the year before that, come to think of it. You're right.

Ashton: Aren't I always?

Demi: No. But regarding Broxton, he is capable of a game like this every now and then.

Ashton: Only nowadays, now that he's developed into a great closer, it's really on the manager more so than JB.

Demi: Agreed, but you're both interrupting and changing the subject, neither of which is appreciated. I was at that game in San Diego when Broxton gave up the five in the bottom of the ninth, and had it not been for his walkoff walk, he could easily have given up three or four more runs. I'll never forget it. Worst in-person sports experience of my life, bar none. And I was at the Jack Clark game. The Pads swept the series and instead of the usual "beat L.A." they substituted "sweep L.A." in absolutely thunderous fashion. The place was in collective orgasm.

Ashton: Orgasm, Demi?

Demi: Sorry, sore subject, I know.

Ashton: Torre's a boob. Oops, another sore subject. Oh God, there's another base hit.

Demi: Calm down.

Ashton: You calm down. And no one's even throwing in the bullpen. And now a walk.

Demi: Torreeeee!!

Ashton: I am so pissed.

Demi: You're pissed? I've got Kershaw on my fantasy league team.

Ashton: Who cares about that crap? This game's lost, and Broxton won't be able to pitch for who knows how long.

Demi: What's he thrown, 50 pitches?

Ashton: Why are you acting surprised? Torre runs his relievers into the ground. Been doing it for years. Years.

Demi: I know, I know. But I hold out hope, just the same.

Ashton: Why? Haven't you seen enough of the man's constantly going to George Sherrill and Ramon Troncosco, over and over and over again, even though they've given him zero reason to expect anything but disaster in the making?

Demi: Troncosco used to be a good pitcher.

Ashton: Used to be, pal. He's ruined now. Does the name Cory Wade mean anything to you?

Demi: And Sherrill really needs another profession. One would think an intelligent manager, who's got guys in the pen throwing well earlier in games, you know, might give them a chance.

Ashton: Do I really need to comment, Demi? You said "smart managers." But yes, Jeff Weaver's great, and Justin Miller has been a nice surprise. And Monasterios was pitching well in relief, in the few chances he got.

Demi: I said "intelligent managers," not "smart managers." Pay attention.

Ashton: Uh, I'm a little distracted right now.

Demi: Shoot; and Travis Schlichting looked good too, in some tough spots.

Ashton: Yeah well, they sent him down.

Demi: Holy bleep, here comes Sherrill. Let's go home. What's the point in staying.

Ashton:  No wait. Let's watch Cano blast one to Wisconsin.

Demi: Fine. There, two-run dinger. Can we go now?

Ashton: What's your hurry? It ain't over till it's over.

Demi: It's over. And besides, we've got a contract to sign. I got us a movie together, "The Decline of Dodgers Civilization." You're playing Joe Torre.

Ashton: Yeah, and you're playing Larry Bowa. Burn!!

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