The Horrorrrrr

January 11, 2005

I was already having trouble sleeping. Stayed up till 3:30 in the morning to watch “ Open Range,” twice, so you know.

Now I’m smack dab in the middle of “Apocalypse 2005,” by Paul Ford DePodesta; part auteur, part wild man, part guy who never heard the expression, “You wanna screw up your life, make a plan.”

In the movie, of course, Martin Sheen is directed by the United States government to find and eliminate Marlon Brando, who’s lost his mind, shaved his head and eaten a river valley.

The classic “Saturday Night Live” story had Martin Sheen looking to stop Bill Murray’s Francis Ford Coppola from completing a movie production gone equally mad.

With the rain, palm trees and evil genius eerily similar, Sheen should feel right at home at Dodger Stadium.

References to “Bridge on the River Kwai” are too obvious to state, but comparisons to the Frank Sinatra version of “The Manchurian Candidate” work. The question is, was DePodesta sent unwittingly to destroy the Dodgers by Manchuria (are they even a country?) or San Francisco?

Fifty years ago, it was said that the Kansas City Athletics were like a minor league way station for the New York Yankees. These Dodgers look like equal parts K.C. and Oakland A’s. Great players passing through on their way to bigger and better things, at fair salaries and in exchange for nothing.

By the way, when we tar and feather a guy in Los Angeles, we do so with class. Parliamentary procedure even. Marquis de Queensbury with a doily.

Whoever said it’s wrong to kick a man when he’s down was a total dweeb. We skewered Fred Claire, we ridiculed Kevin Malone and we made Dan Evans cry. You think we’re gonna give Paul DePodesta a break? This is the perfect time to kick the guy. Call Morten Anderson…

Arte Moreno is a boob. While the Orange County Register has pledged to refer to the team simply as the Angels, we’ll just call them California from now on.

On the other hand, Bill Stoneman is everything Paul DePodesta is not. He’s done a great job building for the present and the future simultaneously. You can’t ask for more in a GM…

Escape to New York : Carlos Beltran is not that good. Randy Johnson is, but 2005 will be more of the same in two boroughs. Neither man will turn out to be worth the commotion…

Randy Levine used to work for all the owners and now just works for George Steinbrenner. There’s two things for the top of a resume. Said Levine about the cancelled New York-LA-Arizona trade: "We will take a long, hard look before doing business with [the Dodgers] again.'' Oh, go take a flying you know what, Randy…

Thanks to Sean Forman of Baseball-Reference.com for pointing out that with his 2004 debut, David Aardsma has replaced Henry Aaron as the first player listed in the alphabetized baseball record books. Todd Hundley’s listing remains unchanged…

In addition to Washington Senators and St. Louis Browns gear, Negro League and Montreal Expos items are selling big on eBay these days. Get em while they’re hot…

Hey Investors : Sales of BaseballSavvy.com’s “BS” gear is heating up too. As the masses are learning, we’re much cooler than Von Dutch (“VD” for short, you know). Invest small today, make major league minimum tomorrow…

Statue for Sandy : The Koufax in bronze campaign continues, so please scroll down to the photo below and vote yes on 32…

Remember, Koplove conquers all….