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Split the Baby


Listen morons, it's not brain surgery. Make the freaking deal already and move forward. Stop your stobbing, quit your posturing, and forget about "winning." You all look like losers every time you open your mouths.

Shut up and play ball. Period, exclamation point.

No one individual, especially some single-degreed rook with a teeny-weeny website like me, should be able to come up with all the answers. And yet, surprise, I have.

Cranked it out in ten minutes. Like I said, it's not rocket science. Now watch closely, as the fingers never leave the hands:

1. Fehr -- out.

2. Selig -- out.

3. Steinbrenner -- out.

OK, wishful thinking. George has a right to win, and should be commended for trying. Just reign him a tad. Put a cap on him, please.

4. Antitrust exemption -- out.

5. Two teams -- out.

Yes, it's time.

Take the Expos and the Devil Rays, or the Expos and the Marlins, or the entire state of Florida, or take the entire state of Florida and move the Expos someplace other than D.C., who's had enough chances. There are too many reasons to detail here. Just take my word for it. I went to college. George Will is smarter, maybe, but I have better hair.

6. Interleague play -- doesn't matter.

7. Wild card -- fine.

8. Worldwide draft -- whatever.

9. Minimum salary, benefits, pension, etc. -- yada, yada, yada.

10. Salary cap -- in.

Yes, it's time.

Call it a luxury tax or whatever you want to, just do it. Lighten up Major League Baseball Players Association, once and for all, and crumble on this one. It's way past time.

There will still be plenty of $5 million middle-relievers and $3 million backup middle-infielders to go around, and there will still be way more $60 million Chan Ho Parks out there than can ever be useful, for a long time to come. And one $252 million superstar is about right. You'll still get yours.

And please, if I hear any more BS about how "the old guys did it for us so we have to do it for the new guys," I'm gonna hurl. If you're really so grateful, current ball player, why don't you do something for the old guys now? Why don't you ask them what they think of you now? Why don't you get their perspective? Huh? Huh?!

11. Competitive balance -- just stop talking about it.

Competitive balance exists already, it doesn't belong anywhere near the discussion. This is all about the distribution of profits. Yes, profits. Competitive balance is fine.

There are more teams with a decent shot right now than there were teams 42 years ago. That's enough. If the stupid Milwaukee Brewers want to compete, let them get a clue on their own.

Enough already. It took me ten minutes to fix everything. I'm all right. You baseball dweebs are all wrong, Repeat: I'm right, you're wrong. OK? Case closed.

Now get out there losers, all of you, owners and players, and grovel.

Say you're sorry, admit your faults, beg forgiveness, show some gratitude, have heart, and go spike a San Francisco Giant or throw at Roger Clemens, take Carnation Instant Breakfast instead of Andro, and sign a bunch of autographs. Enough already. Yes, it's really that simple.

Remember, glove conquers all....


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