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Off Base
A Mockery of a Sham

July 17, 2005

This “this is L.A. baseball” thing? It’s a sham. A mockery of sham!

This isn’t L.A. baseball, people. This isn’t Moneyball baseball, it isn’t Billyball baseball, and for the sake of the fine state of Nevada, let’s hope it’s not even Las Vegas baseball.

And you know what else? There isn’t always next year. Not with this cast of characters impersonating a front office, there isn’t.

Sometimes I wonder if these are even the real characters. I mean, pod people make better deals, and are clearly more creative. Can you say “Invasion of the G.M. Snatchers?” It’s a freaking sham…

A prominent ex-Dodgers executive wrote to tell me I’m being too hard on Paul DePodesta. Another admitted he was wrong to believe in the general manager in the first place. All Dodgers execs, former and current, are encouraged to chime in. This isn’t Time magazine. Your anonymity is safe here…

It’s Outrageous, Egregious, Reprehensible! Bad, Even: John Donovan, in his column for SI.com, wrote: "Caught some of the Dodgers-Giants game late Thursday, too, something that normally is a good rivalry. This year, it's almost unwatchable."

Almost unwatchable?! How can Donovan say such a thing?! Almost unwatchable?! It’s completely unwatchable…

Who Goofed:: Who’s most responsible for this year’s Dodgers? I say it’s 50% DePodesta, 30% Jim Tracy and 20% Frank McCourt…

3000:: Rafael Palmeiro is a first ballot Hall of Famer, but let’s not give the guy a free pass on the steroid thing. The difference between Palmeiro and Mark McGwire’s appearances at the D.C. hearings was the quality of the (possibly enhanced) performance, not the substance.

Just because Raffy was dramatic and emphatic doesn’t mean he didn’t use drugs, and just because Mac said nothing, doesn’t mean he did.

Palmeiro and mentor Bob Dole both sold Viagra. The senator admitted using while the ball player denied it, although not emphatically. Was the guy juiced or what? You decide…

Who’s Your Yankee: Alex Rodriguez is a little peculiar these days but he is a real Yankee. Kevin Brown, no; Buddy Groom, no; Raul Mondesi, no. Alex Rodriguez yes…

"Winning is better than the next worse thing." So said Bill Lee.

The Spaceman also said "I think about the cosmic snowball theory. A few million years from now the sun will burn out and lose its gravitational pull. The earth will turn into a giant snowball and be hurled through space. When that happens it won't matter if I get this guy out."

Since everyone knows the sun will burn out in billions of years, maybe Lee’s not the best judge, but if he’s talking about the All-Star Game, he’s not necessarily high either. The home field in the World Series thing was lame to begin with and it’s lamer now. Just like the National League All-Stars…

Fun with Jerry Coleman: While watching a recent Dodgers game and in dire need of a distraction, I sifted through my collection of the Padres announcer’s best lines. Beats watching the Dodgers:

"There's a long fly to left centerfield, he got all of that one. It's to the wall, at the wall, and that ball is caught, no I mean he dropped it. Wait a minute, he caught it! That was the best play Greg Vaughn made of his life!"

"Thomas is racing for it, but McCovey is there and can't get his glove to it. That play shows the inexperience, not on Thomas' part, but on the part of Willie McC ... well, not on McCovey's part either."

"There's a shot up the alley. Oh, it's just foul."

"The first pitch to Tucker Ashford is grounded into left field. No, wait a minute. It's ball one. Low and outside."

"Over the course of a season, a miscue will cost you more than a good play."

"That's Hendrick's 19th home run. One more and he reaches double figures."

"The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split."

Statue for Sandy:: The Koufax in bronze campaign continues, so please scroll down to the photo below and vote yes on 32…

Bobblehead for Oscar:: It’s a little early for a statue, but tell me an Oscar Robles bobblehead wouldn’t be cool…

Investors Wanted:: Watch your money grow and make fun of the Dodgers…

Remember, glove conquers all….


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