Just Say No
If you must grow your own illegal drugs, say no to human growth hormones.
Just say no to giving herpes to someone other than your wife. Say no to chair throwing, beer throwing and throwing down generally. Just say no to defending ball players’ transgressions. Trust me on this one.
Really, really, really say no to contrived surprise at news concerning Balco Labs, Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield or any nearby Giambi.
And just say no to looking to this sport’s commissioner for decisiveness or leadership of any kind.
Bud Selig says he’ll “leave no stone unturned in accomplishing our goal of zero tolerance by Spring Training…” His solution is the minor leagues’ steroid program, which allows players to test positive four times before being booted for a season, with a lifetime ban on the fifth tainted sample.
Uh, hello?! What, are you on drugs?! That’s not “zero tolerance.” That’s five tolerance. Anyone free of steroids and therefore in possession of a normal-sized head can see that. By the way, Donald Fehr is a jackass too; it’s not all Selig.
Integrity? Don’t even go there. This is also a serious health issue, people. Athletes are getting cancer and having heart attacks and dying. With no stone truly unturned, this is a doable do-the-right-thing thing…
Stocking Stuffer: Check out www.balcofarms.com for cool t-shirts, featuring a # 25-wearing fowl slugger and the slogan, “It’ll Make You a Giant.” Balco Farms, for “…hormone induced, steroid fed, and genetically altered chickens, up to five times larger than normal size…”
Please look for country music star Tim McGraw’s beautiful song and video honoring his dad. It’s called “Live Like You Were Dying,” and includes shots of Tug McGraw closing out the 1980 World Series. You gotta believe it’s great…
"Miller hollers Hiller, Hiller hollers Haller, and Miller hollers Hiller, points to Haller with his fist. And that’s the Miller Hiller Haller Holler Hallelujah Twist."
And, remember how Topps used to post team leaders on the back of baseball cards? For example, next years’ Dodger card backs would look like this:
AVG: A. Beltre, .334
A 1969 Dodger player card, say Andy Kosco’s, displayed the 1968 leaders this way:
AVG: T. Haller, .285
Lookalikes: Espn.com’s Jerry Crasnick and Bret Saberhagen…
Must act now. We’re looking for additional investors to help us to the next level. You know, to sell vast quantities of cooler than Von Dutch BS gear, and to pay our worthy writers more than peanuts (and Cracker Jack). I’d use the term “angel investor,” but that’s vulgar and I promised my mother.
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