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Off Base

Oh Good, Now Mrs. Canseco Has a Book Out

August 22, 2005

Well that’s just great. Cause I’m dying to hear what Mrs. Canseco injected Mrs. Palmeiro with, and into where.

And Mrs. Palmeiro before Congress: “I have never knowingly put Botox into my body. Period.”

I haven’t read the book, of course, but I hear that Mrs. Canseco admits to benefiting from, shall we say, additives. The Playboy is on the newsstands now, so you can see for yourself.

Rather than bore you with a review of the book, as if we need a review of the book with which to bore you, here’s a snippet (pun intended), regarding the supposed affect of steroids on the male anatomy:

“It does definitely affect your testicles, that's for sure.'' That’ll be all we’ll require on the subject, thank you very much, Mrs. C.

Parenthetically, we did try to get Mrs. C to spread for, uh, to pose for a spread in our magazine, an offer which included a chance to tour the grounds of the Canoga Park BS Mansion with the publisher, mind you, but were snubbed in favor of Heff. There’s just no accounting for taste. 

You know what else? A Google search tells us that a horse named Mrs. Canseco came in second to one named Jose Can You See, May 9, 2004, at Pimlico. You know me, I bleep you not, I couldn’t make it up.

Also found this, from CrackSmoker.com (again, I bleep you not): “Five years after a violent confrontation with his first wife, Jose Canseco was arrested Thursday and charged with beating his second wife.”

Cracksmoker.com bills itself as "the most trusted source for sports crime journalism,” and has its own "Cracksmoker Criteria,” the highlights of which follow:

Must have been in the news for something noteworthy other than an athletic accomplishment.”

“Consistently in the wrong place at the wrong time and often claim to be a victim of circumstance.”

“Probably have referred to themselves in the third person at one time or another.”

"May have one or more illegitimate children…”

No Leg to Stand On: Looks like former BS whipping boy Todd Hundley (“pitchers and catchers and Todd Hundley report February 17”) is doing about as well in his post baseball life as he did while playing in Los Angeles.

Just a little DUI and endangering the life and health of his children, is all. Something about taking Vicodin on an empty stomach, being “discombobulated,” and failing a field sobriety test when he couldn’t stand on one leg. Like, he could do that stone cold sober when he was a Dodger?

Milton Bradley: It’s great that Bradley is progressing with his program, but he’s got a long way to go. Calling out Jeff Kent, who is by far and away the team’s best player and the man who best exemplifies what it means, or at least what it used to mean to be a Dodger, is just unbelievably lame. But it’s better than getting suspended for the final five games of the regular season in the heat of a pennant race, so at least there’s that…

If anyone has a real theory about Steve Finely’s 2005, I’d like to hear it. Perhaps more importantly, what’s the deal with Rita Cosby’s voice...

Statue for Todd Hundley: Comes with a stronger arm and considerably better judgment than the human model, and stands on one leg just fine…

Don’t Look Now, Rick Monday: Steve Physioc is gaining on you: "The Angels have left a lot of men, including five in back to back innings."

For you nostalgia buffs, here’s my favorite line of Rick’s from last season: “Art Howe was recently married. Well, not recently, but as far as right out of high school, with a baby on the way.”

Statue for Sandy : The Koufax in bronze campaign continues, so please scroll down to the photo below and vote yes on 32…

Remember, glove conquers all….



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